Language is powerful. The words we use shape how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we build community. One small but impactful way we show respect and create belonging is by honoring people’s pronouns. While this might feel new or unfamiliar to some, using correct pronouns is a basic part of human dignity and mutual respect.
This guide is for anyone seeking to better understand why pronouns matter, how to navigate the learning process with empathy, and how to show up as an ally to those whose gender identity may differ from societal expectations. Whether you’re learning for yourself, your workplace, your family, or your community, we hope this resource empowers you to move forward with confidence and compassion.
Gender refers to the social, cultural, and psychological characteristics and roles that a society considers appropriate for individuals based on their perceived sex. While sex is typically assigned at birth based on biological attributes like anatomy and chromosomes, gender is much more complex and fluid. It encompasses how individuals see themselves (gender identity), how they express themselves (gender expression), and how society interprets and interacts with these cues. From a young age, we’re taught gender norms, ideas about how boys and girls "should" behave, dress, and interact, but these expectations are not fixed truths. They’re constructed by cultural beliefs, historical context, and social reinforcement, which vary across time and place.
Because gender is a construct, it doesn’t capture the full range of human experiences. Some people don’t identify with the traditional categories of "man" or "woman" and instead may identify as nonbinary, genderqueer, agender, or another term that better reflects their internal sense of self. This isn’t a trend or confusion; it’s a recognition that the binary doesn’t fit everyone. For many, rejecting or expanding beyond the binary allows them to live more authentically and reduce the mental distress that can come from being forced into a category that doesn’t align with who they truly are. Understanding gender as a spectrum, not a set of rigid boxes, helps foster empathy, respect, and inclusion for everyone.
Although many modern Western societies operate with a binary understanding of gender, history tells a much more diverse and nuanced story. Across cultures and centuries, many societies have recognized or honored gender identities beyond the male-female binary. These identities often held spiritual, social, or ceremonial significance, and they remind us that nonbinary gender is not a new phenomenon, but a long-standing part of human experience.
Examples of Non-Binary Gender Identities in History
1. Two-Spirit people (Indigenous North America):
Long before European colonization, many Indigenous tribes across North America recognized Two-Spirit individuals. These people were said to embody both masculine and feminine spirits. The term “Two-Spirit” is a modern, pan-Indigenous umbrella coined in 1990, but the roles themselves have deep roots. For example, the Navajo refer to such individuals as nádleehi, and the Lakota have winkté. Two-Spirit people often served as healers, matchmakers, and spiritual leaders, playing respected and integral roles in their communities.
2. Hijra community (South Asia):
In South Asian cultures, particularly in India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, the Hijra community has existed for centuries. Hijras are often intersex, transgender, or gender-nonconforming individuals who don’t fit neatly into male or female categories. Historically, they have held important ritualistic roles, especially in blessing births and weddings. While colonial British rule marginalized and criminalized them, Hijras continue to exist today and were legally recognized as a “third gender” in India in 2014.
3. Fa'afafine and Fa’afatama (Samoa and Polynesia):
In Samoa, the fa'afafine and fa’afatama are recognized as third and fourth gender identities that refer to people embodying masculine and feminine traits. They often take on caregiving and domestic roles in their families, and are trusted to entertain visitors and teach the community about sex. Their identity is not considered unusual or in need of explanation within Samoan society.
4. Sworn Virgins of the Balkans (Albania):
In parts of northern Albania and the Balkans, some women have historically chosen to live as men, taking vows of celibacy and adopting male roles, dress, and names. These individuals, known as sworn virgins, often did so to inherit property, avoid forced marriages, or gain societal status in a patriarchal system. While they were recognized legally and socially as men, this choice illustrates how gender roles have been seen as flexible in certain contexts.
5. Gender-diverse identities in ancient cultures:
Ancient Egyptian texts reference androgynous gods like Atum, and deities like Hapi were depicted with both male and female features. In Mesopotamia, the gala priests of the goddess Inanna were often male-bodied individuals who performed in feminine roles. Similarly, in ancient Greece, while mainstream society was patriarchal, gender roles in religious rites, theater, and mythology often blurred or reversed expected norms.
These examples highlight that binary gender is not a universal truth; it’s a cultural framework that has shifted over time and geography. Many societies have historically recognized that gender is diverse, dynamic, and deeply personal. Remembering this helps us move beyond rigid norms and toward a more inclusive understanding of human identity.
Understanding that non-binary gender identities have existed throughout history across many cultures helps put modern pronoun use into context; it’s not a new trend, but a continuation of recognizing and respecting human diversity. Just as societies have long honored people who lived outside binary norms, using someone’s correct pronouns today is a simple yet powerful way to affirm their identity. It reflects a broader commitment to dignity, inclusion, and acknowledging that gender is not one-size-fits-all.
Pronouns are words we use to refer to someone without using their name. Examples include:
For most people, pronouns match the gender they were assigned at birth. But for many, particularly transgender, nonbinary, and gender-expansive individuals, that isn’t the case. When we assume someone’s pronouns based on appearance or name, we risk misgendering them, which can be deeply hurtful, invalidating, and contribute to feelings of exclusion or distress.
Using the correct pronouns:
Think of it like using someone’s correct name. If your name is Jennifer and someone keeps calling you Jessica, it might feel disrespectful or trigger complex feelings of worth. Pronouns work the same way: they are tied to who we are.
The Impact of Misgendering
Misgendering happens when someone uses the wrong pronoun for another person. While sometimes accidental, it can cause real emotional harm, particularly for trans and nonbinary individuals who may already be facing systemic discrimination or social isolation.
Effects of misgendering can include:
Studies show that using chosen names and pronouns for transgender youth significantly lowers rates of suicide, depression, and anxiety. It’s not just respectful, it can be life-saving.
Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
Practical Ways to Internalize Pronoun Respect
Supporting Others Through the Learning Curve
If you’re a manager, teacher, parent, or community leader, you have a powerful role to play. Create a culture where people feel safe and respected by:
A Note for Parents and Families: If your child comes out with a new name or pronouns, it’s okay to feel uncertain. What matters most is showing love, staying open, and doing your best to affirm their identity. Mistakes will happen. Keep trying.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I don’t understand someone’s identity?
A: You don’t need to understand everything to show respect. Meet people where they are, and lead with curiosity and kindness.
Q: Are pronouns the same as gender identity?
A: Not exactly. Pronouns are one way people express their gender, but not everyone who uses they/them identifies as nonbinary, and not all trans people change their pronouns. Ask, don’t assume.
Q: Can I opt out of using pronouns altogether?
A: Not really. We use pronouns every day. Making the effort to use someone’s correct pronoun is part of building a respectful society.
Pronouns may seem like a small detail, but they carry big meaning. When we get them right, we communicate that we see, hear, and value people for who they are. When we get them wrong, we have the opportunity to learn, grow, and do better next time.
Respecting pronouns isn’t just about language. It’s about kindness. It’s about humanity. And it’s about making sure everyone feels welcome and seen.
Let’s choose words that include, affirm, and uplift. It’s one of the simplest, most powerful ways we can make a difference.
Resources for Further Learning:
